Ramblings of a Nerdy Ninja

Well, as you know my birthday was Saturday. What did I do? Oh, I spent the whole day sick in bed. :) LAME. I spent the day before my birthday rearranging rooms in my house ( I was trying to surprise the hubby) so I was moving furniture that outweighed me by 150 lbs. Have you every tried to take down a canopy bed alone? Yeeeeaaah, don't. Long story short I pulled more or less EVERY muscle in my back. Although, it was a craptastic day do not fear! For when I was born March 28th in 1986 it fell on Good Friday so I have two birthdays...sorta. (You STFU I'm milking this.) So we're going to do a birthday re-do two weeks from now.


ANGEL!!!!! Thank you so much for my package!!! I got it the day before my birthday. My little sister and I shared it because she saw all the goodies and made those big sad puppy dog eyes at me. So she got a thing of bubbles, but I kept the chocolate ones (for the record my little brother Gavin informed me they do NOT taste as good as they smell...yuck) I'm sorry I didn't film it I couldn't find any batteries... lol.

Here is a list of what the package included:
*Several fun sized bags of skittles and M&Ms
*Scented bubbles in ice cream cone shaped bottles (chocolate and strawberry)
*A VERY SWEET card with a lot of glitter (thankfully I opened it on the porch)
*A yoyo..no scratch that, she lost the yoyo so I got a snazzy jump rope (That was VERY Funny)
*A Letter (this and the card are both on my fridge)
*A shiz load of balloons assorted colors and sizes...my dog is confused by these.
*Two very pretty VERY GIRLY nail colors. Although I only got one...Kayley stole one. :D

Thank you so Much! It was such a fun gift! I don't want to grow up!!

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As many of you may or may not know (depending on how creepy you are) my first LOVE in music was (and still remains) the Deftones a kickass band from Sacramento I'm too lazy to get into the entire back story and if I were to type out their monumental history I'd have claws where my hands used to be by the time I was finished. Their music was always a big influence in my life I remember proclaiming my undying love for them when I was 13. Not that creepy let me throw my panites at you and scream "will you have my babies?!?!", but a love that's more of an admiration for the things they do and they way they do them. Anywho a few years back I was lucky enough to get backstage passes to a show in Myrtle Beach SC at the House of Blues anyways we waited for a few hours and ended up meeting all the guys (we ended up on the buss smoking and watching Steven Segal movies, but that's a different post all together isn't it?) they were all very nice and mellow just regular jack offs if you will. :)


We met Chi (the bassist) outside of the buss and what is strange is that he immediately embraced my husband and I in a hug (let me take this time to say I DO NOT hug people I don't know, famous or not...you're just like me I've never been the type to freak out from meeting people.) There was something about him that you could see right away he has a spark of the divine in him. This man is meant for great and beautiful things. We talked a bit I gave him my Tibetian prayer beads. To this day that 10 minute meeting still has an effect on my husband and I.


Which brings me to the point of my post sadly Chi was in a car accident November 4th 2008 although he is getting better he remains somewhere in between a coma and the waking world. Apparently even when you're a kickass rockstar the insurance companies will still rape you like you're in the back woods wearing a pig mask while someone yells "Squeel like a pig boy!". Chi's amazing family has started a blog to update his progress and to except donations for his medical bills. Stop over and check out http://oneloveforchi.blogspot.com/. Please keep him in your thoughts.


We're all encouraged to send positive energy,prayers or general good mojo his way especially at 10am PST. Maybe if we all do it all do it at the same time whatever deity that really exists out there will hear our urges and bring the Chengs their son/brother back.


Side note: Chi put out a cd of spoken word poetry SEVERAL years ago called "The Bamboo Parachute" it's a beautiful strange look inside of his mind. I don't understand half of it, but I don't think you're supposed to. I've always taken my own feelings away from it. My favorite line is
Lesbian spiders on the moon read shakespeare.

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So I just found out that March is "National educate your teens about sex" month. I realize the month is almost over, but it's better late then never...unless you didn't educate them about the use of condoms and you're already a grandma. Oops.
Sometimes it can be a little difficult to know just what to say during the ol' Birds and the Bees conversation so let me offer some help well not me personally, but how about 10 awkward sex education characters? Oooh yes...


#10 G.I. Jeff- I'm not really sure if his actually in the military or not. However I would by this just to have that condom the packaging rules.




# 9 Australian Adam and Eve Style Dolls- Little know fact about the garden of Eden...although they didn't have clothes (or male enhancement pills) they had an ENDLESS supply of Black lip liner and white lipstick and this time you thought the trend originated in Jersey!




#8 Sex Ed doll Family- This one actually creeps me out. It's a train wreck from the dad's porno mustache to the mom's freaky looking mud flaps. Not to mention that they are all looking off to the side like they are just as ashamed as we are. Why are they all wearing lipstick?




#7 Polygamist Family sex ed dolls- Uhmm I'm not really sure what to say about this except look at how the brother is looking at the sister while sitting on the mom dolls lap...yeeeeah. Gross.



#6 Japanese Sex dolls- Part Japanese Part Sharpei aaall 70's porn.




#5 Creepy 80's Sex dolls- These much like the others are strange, but my personal favorite is the one lone little black baby with his big ol' pink lips and bug eyes. For some reason I bet her name is Mammy.




#4 Condoman- Yo, bro! Don't be a fool wrap up your tool! Yes, because obviously black youth only respond to poorly worded brightly colored ads. Why the hell is he in a deserted island?




#3 Hong Kong sex Dolls- For those outdoorsy hippy types who don't believe in baths, pants, or cutting the cord. Nothing like the feeling of you babies swinging between your legs as you hike to the top of a mountian. What happend to her hair?




#2 British Sex Ed dolls- For those of you who have always wondered what sex with a dead person would be like. Complete with waxy raw poultry colored skin.




#1 Sex education Teacher doll- This is for anyone you know that may be a blockhead.. get it..cause their heads are square... hey fuck you. I don't have to be funny ALL the time!


Hope you enjoyed this remember to tell your children everytime they touch themselves they make god cry. LOLOLOL It's amazing any of us learned ANYTHING.

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So as many of you know I have spent the last several months with a broken heart. My mom and step dad had moved across the country taking my little brother and sister with them. Well HUZZAH! They have returned. I'm happy to say I have my little boogers back. However hilariously enough my little brother (who is 8 mind you) has his VERY first crush. Who does he have a crush on you might ask? Only this hot piece of ass... (haha I called you a piece of ass)
I couldn't have picked a better girl for him myself. He already has better taste than his big brother. (hahahahaha) My bestie has now become my little bros first crush. How freaking adorable. When he came back he was VERY sad to learn Delaney lives in another state. He was under the impression she was my neighbor. Maybe one day...maybe one day. MOVE HERE ALREADY!

Love ya beastie!

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I have exactly no creativity this week or maybe I just really like these ideas, either way here is another stolen idea. Delaney recently posted "5 creepy facts about myself no one wants to know."
I figure well hell I might as well tell people things they don't want to know too which is a departure from my usual nature...no wait it's the same as always. Moving on.


Creepy Fact 1. I like to buy bags of rainblow bubblegum balls (all the little different colored ones) and eat the whole bag in one sitting, but only chewing each piece until the flavor is gone. I then will stick it to the top of a can or water bottle collecting the entire bag of chewed gum just because. I only throw it away once they've all been chewed.


Creepy Fact 2. I pick my nose when men check me out. Listen dickhole I'm married, you're scary,but please enjoy this booger.


Creepy Fact 3. I carry a 6 inch knife at all times. If I need to I know how to kill someone in a pinch. Also I know how to remove all of the skin from the back of a would be attackers hand before they could touch me.


Creepy Fact 4. I collect stuffed elephants and give them all names that start with H. (I personally think this is THE most disturbing thing on the list)


Creepy Fact 5. When I was little I was convinced that E.T. lived in my grandmothers toilet and he would wait for you to poop because that's what he ate.


See I'm even weirder than you thought.


Side note: It's a week until my birthday. Yay!

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This week, my husband and I have been affected by 4 deaths in someway or another. Be it childhood friends a family member or a friends wife. So as this week comes to a close I just wanted to take a moment to say Make sure they know you love them. Please if nothing else let them know.

I love you all very much.

Sam

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So my buddy Angel did a post about random things she was thinking and I'm stealing it. I like the idea. Ready? Set! Go!


* It's funny that Angel and Anger are only different because of one letter

* Twilight is the most overrated p.o.s. I've ever seen. I realize I am the only woman to feel this way.

* I like glitter.

* "nothing compares to a quiet evening alone.."

* That man on t.v. has an obscenely large bottom lip.

* Oh shit, my music stopped.

* I wonder why I have this sudden fascination with Paramore

* What the hell would I do without spell check? I get nervous when I don't have it.

* Children growing up today are going to be so ignorant. BOB forbid the internet ever goes away.

* Why am I most comfortable in the dark with blaring music?

* I hope Angel likes her present.

* FUCK BEANS! I didn't send Delaney's package I suck. I should have sent it last Thursday.

* I want to be a gypsy for realz.

* I hate when people use 'z' in place of 's' .

* I love being in love.

* What the frick do I want to do for my birthday?

* Ooooh, I get to dress girly on Saturday. Yay!

* People are so fucking stupid. OF COURSE you didn't win the mexican lottery..did you enter it? No you didn't? THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WIN IT?!?!?!?!

* "How did we get here? I used to know you so well..."

* I'm supposed to make a facebook page, but I'm being lazy.

Alright I'm sure that's more than anyone wants to read. That is HONEST to bob how my mind works. I wrote that in about 2 minutes all of that fired through that mushy part between my ears in that time. I wish I could quiet it sometimes, but I think I'd get lonely. I could keep going, but then you'd know to much about me...

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Well I wish I would have had this book two days ago! Well thanks God,Satan,or Bill Gates who ever is responsible for this I officially hate you. Now granted I should have known eating nachos of questionable origin. How lame I don't eat anyway and then yesterday I decided to eat, that I need to eat and what happens? I spend several days getting intimate with the porcelain God. My poor husband is just as sick. Can someone bring us some gatorade? No that will just make us barf more.

How about someone just brings us a gun with two bullets. Either that or a morphine drip...ooh that would be nice.

I'm going to go vomit and sleep or some combination of the two.

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I am so fucking mad! So disgusted! UGH! As many of you know I'm not religious in the least and I strongly disagree with christianity. I have stumbled across a website today that furthers my distaste for this religion. I strongly encourage you all to visit www.christwire.org give these bigots a piece of your mind and if you are christian and don't agree with the ignorance they are preaching write them and let them know how they are making you look! These bastards refer to black people as "Colored" and "Afros" what in the fuck? I'm ashamed that this exists in the year 2009. These people are pathetic. If heaven and hell actually exist I hope that they enjoy sucking Satan's greasy cock because that's what these people will be doing for all eternity.

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There are spoliers in this post so if you plan on seeing this movie and want to be surprised don't read any further..

After what felt like twelve and a half hours of injustice and twisted emotion this movie makes you think for the last 45 minutes she's going to find him! She's not going to find him! She's going to get closure! There is no closure! I realize this is based on a true story, but my god!The acting was good. The general story was good but, I don't think I've ever seen a more depressing movie. I have to go kill myself now.

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So how do you like the new look of the site?!

I don't really have anything of value to write about. I just have a question What the HELL happened to Patricia Arquette? My god I'm watching Stigmata and she's a hottie in this movie, but I saw her on Medium recently... ooooh LAWD!

Also I finally watched Rob Zombie's Halloween. That is a gory movie boys and girls REALLY gory! Also there are a shiz load of boobies. So if you like boobies and blood I'm sure you'll adore that movie. Ooh question(s)...Why are white women in horror movies sooo fucking retarded? Why do they always fall down? Why do they run, but stop to look behind them? I swear to god these bitches are giving the rest of us a baaaad name. I have to say if I was in that situation one of the two of us would be dead.. and it wouldn't be me son! I would kill myself before I let some nutjob have the pleasure. Can you tell I've put some thought into this.. LOL Alright kiddies I'm going to go do my nerls.
Love ya!

SAM

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Ever wonder things like how many 5 year olds you could take in a fight? How about how many cannibals can your corpse feed? Turns out I can take 23 5 year olds and I can feed 8 freaky cannibals. That's interesting shit man. Also my corpse is worth 5,280 if I sell it to science. Wonder if I can get an advance on that? Probably not.

It's warming up here after a month of frigid weather. I'm so over the cold if I could just remove winter and summer from the year that would be awesome, but then again I'd be turning 46 instead of 23 since the year would only be half as long. Fuck it we'll keep those seasons. It's almost my brithday- I'm weirded out about being 23. YARG!

Oh also... I finally made that how-to video for my "Radioactive" cupcakes. Enjoy!

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Go take that test. Immediately if for no other reason than to have your own tapeworm picture. I have added that little booger to my myspace his name is Splacnik. We're friends. Tapeworms can be friends. SHUT UP! Yes they can! I don't want to talk to you anymore, you're mean.

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